I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
