Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
