she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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