btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
