allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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