I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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