I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
