I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
