i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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