I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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