If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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