I wish I could teleport
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
