your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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