I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
