either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
