I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize