i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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