hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize