I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize