Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I need a beard to bite.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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