you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
