did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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