Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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