explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
