you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
