i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
