I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
