If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
COCAINE IS GR8
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
