I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
