3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
