you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
