Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
