new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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