Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
