Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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