i would punch a child for taco bell
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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