If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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