did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
