Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
