yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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