You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize