Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
