Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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