Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
