I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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