Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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