listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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