Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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