Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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