Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
