Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Pooping to opera.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
