The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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