So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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