Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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