i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
