Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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